My Lover is in love with another Woman |
I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months. He's
very respectful, honest, and easy to love. The honesty I love and
respect about him, but it doesn't make me feel too good. The thing is,
he's afraid of being hurt again so he's hesitant to commit, and not only
that, he loves another woman in another state whom he hardly ever sees.
He says she's his best friend and that she wants a relationship with him
but he doesn't want to give that to her or anyone right now. At the
same time, he loves her and I think he's even in love with her.
She knows about me, and according to him, she once made a comment that
we would end up together. You see, their relationship is weird and
confusing to me. He tells her about all the women he has relationships
with -- in detail. Over the course of ten years, they've communicated
through letters (while he was away in the army), email and now frequent
phone calls and he says they've only seen each other 15 times!!
At one point they lived only 20 minutes from each other and hardly ever
saw each other then and he even moved states away from where she lives.
Now he says it's up in the air that she may move to where we are, but if
she does, he says that he's not going to automatically commit to her
either.
He says you can know someone in and out, but they may not be able to
give you what you want. He also said that he doesn't really know if he
would enjoy her physical company on a regular basis. I love him and I
don't know if I should have any hopes for a future together. We've
tried to stop talking, but we've both admitted to missing one another.
Should I continue a friendship/romantic relationship with him or cut him
off completely to protect my heart?
Samantha |
| Answer: |
Dear Samantha
Hope the holidays have been treating you well, I'm sorry to hear
about all
the confusion this man is causing in your life. It's a hard thing
developing
feelings for someone who cares about someone else. Situations like
this
should be tread gently as the opportunities for getting hurt or
generally on
the higher end.
You didn't clarify whether you have been "seeing" this guy or dating
him for
the 5 last month, so I'll assume seeing is more meant as a
relationship
without commitment. It's ok to have feelings for more then one
person but
out of respect for you he shouldn't be talking about it much. The
whole
situation depends on the expectations of the relationship and how
fairly
he's treating you by openly having feelings for someone else.
Are you both exclusive?
Have you talked about where things are going?
Is it purely sexual? or does he tell you he has feelings for you as
well?
Personally after five months I would say it's time for you to demand
some
clarification on the relationship and state what needs to happen for
it to
continue. You're both going to miss each other no matter what, but
if your
not getting the respect you deserve your not doing yourself any
favors.
It's ok to live in a middle ground for a month or two, but as time
moves on
living in uncertainty is straining on the mind. As they say "you
can't have
your cake and eat it to", for him to want both of you isn't fair. If
he loves
you and cares for you then the decision should be easy and he should
be able
to cut the other girl out of his life. I wouldn't say that you
should expect
him to delete her for eternity but communication between the both of
them
should be greatly reduced. Set some boundaries and let him know that
you
deserve better then this. If he doesn't compromise then maybe you
should
keep your eyes out for someone more considerate.
It shouldn't be a matter of him staying with you because he thinks
physical
relations would be better with you then her. If your looking for the
full
package I think he should be too. Relationships are all about
balance.
I wish you the best of luck in the new year and I hope this helps
-Nate Lovestruck |
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