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Question

My Lover is in love with another woman

I've been seeing this guy for about 5 months.  He's very respectful, honest, and easy to love.  The honesty I love and respect about him, but it doesn't make me feel too good.  The thing is, he's afraid of being hurt again so he's hesitant to commit, and not only that, he loves another woman in another state whom he hardly ever sees.  He says she's his best friend and that she wants a relationship with him but he doesn't want to give that to her or anyone right now.  At the same time, he loves her and I think he's even in love with her. 

She knows about me, and according to him, she once made a comment that we would end up together.  You see, their relationship is weird and confusing to me. He tells her about all the women he has relationships with -- in detail.  Over the course of ten years, they've communicated through letters (while he was away in the army), email, and now frequent phone calls, and he says they've only seen each other 15 times!! 

At one point they lived only 20 minutes from each other and hardly ever saw each other and then he even moved states away from where she lives. Now he says it's up in the air that she may move to where we are, but if she does, he says that he's not going to automatically commit to her either. 

He says you can know someone in and out, but they may not be able to give you what you want.  He also said that he doesn't really know if he would enjoy her physical company on a regular basis. I love him and I don't know if I should have any hopes for a future together.  We've tried to stop talking, but we've both admitted to missing one another. Should I continue a friendship/romantic relationship with him or cut him off completely to protect my heart?

Samantha

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Answer

Dear Samantha

Hope the holidays have been treating you well, I'm sorry to hear about all the confusion this man is causing in your life. It's a hard thing developing feelings for someone who cares about someone else. Situations like this should be tread gently as the opportunities for getting hurt or generally on the higher end.

You didn't clarify whether you have been "seeing" this guy or dating him for the 5 last month, so I'll assume seeing is more meant as a relationship without commitment. It's ok to have feelings for more then one person but out of respect for you he shouldn't be talking about it much. The whole situation depends on the expectations of the relationship and how fairly he's treating you by openly having feelings for someone else.

Are you both exclusive?
Have you talked about where things are going?
Is it purely sexual? or does he tell you he has feelings for you as well?

Personally after five months I would say it's time for you to demand some clarification on the relationship and state what needs to happen for it to continue. You're both going to miss each other no matter what, but if your not getting the respect you deserve your not doing yourself any favors. It's ok to live in a middle ground for a month or two, but as time moves on living in uncertainty is straining on the mind. As they say "you can't have your cake and eat it to", for him to want both of you isn't fair. If he loves you and cares for you then the decision should be easy and he should be able to cut the other girl out of his life. I wouldn't say that you should expect him to delete her for eternity but communication between the both of them should be greatly reduced. Set some boundaries and let him know that you deserve better then this. If he doesn't compromise then maybe you should keep your eyes out for someone more considerate.

It shouldn't be a matter of him staying with you because he thinks physical relations would be better with you then her. If your looking for the full package I think he should be too. Relationships are all about balance.

I wish you the best of luck in the new year and I hope this helps

-Nate Lovestruck