Love Addiction, is it fatal? |
I broke up with my girlfriend about 6 months ago after
just a 3 month relationship. To this day I am still struggling. I'm 22
years old and she was my first real girlfriend as I am very shy. She was
the first person I had been intimate with.
The reason we ended was very confusing in my mind. Out of nowhere doubts
were popping into my head that I just couldn't shift. There was no
logical reasoning behind the doubts and I couldn't for the life of me
find a link between the doubts and my partner. this left me in an awful
state of confusion and so I felt I had to end things. Leading up to this
period we were in a deep euphoric state, and we spent a lot of time
together intimately and it felt like 'perfection'. I longed for a
girlfriend and I finally had one. She said she was falling in love with
me.
The months after the breakup were very tricky. We were talking everyday
still and it almost didn't feel like we had split. I battled my emotions
hoping for conviction either for love and to get back together or to
pull away. I found I couldn't do either and felt that I just couldn't
stop talking to her, yet I also couldn't erase the feelings of doubt
when I thought about getting back together. The whole thing has felt
like a battle with myself.
Just recently I made the move to stop talking altogether. This seemed
to upset her and I feel really guilty. I'm currently on day 2 without
communication and it is mental torture. The annoying thing is there is
nothing about her that I can see was the problem, it was all down to
myself so I feel I have no closure. I fell like I've failed myself in
this chance for a wonderful relationship.
After reading up on the concept of love addiction it appears I have many
of the symptoms. E.g. "Love is the only thing that matters in live", "
I'm terrified of being alone again", depression, Continual questioning
of values and lifestyle, Compartmentalization of the relationship from
other areas of life etc etc.
I am facing up to the fact that this is a problem, but how am I to move
on from a relationship where the partner involved was so fit for my
personality and character. I am the reason this relationship ended not
anything to do with her. It could've been special had I been in the
right mindset.
How am I to proceed?
Greg |
| Answer: |
Dear Greg
Hope the holidays treated you well, and hopefully the space you
intended to
put between you and your ex is still going strong. Love addiction,
co-dependency or just being plain scared of being alone is a common
thing seen in today's society. We have all been raised with the
common fairytale ideal of what life should be like. I think it is
through this fear of not accomplishing this lifestyle that many of
us develop anxiety over the matter.
All in all I think there are a lot worse things in life then wanting
to be with someone, but by no means can you let it rule your life.
Relationships are a tough thing to get used to, be expected to
battle this concept for most of your life. We all need different
things, and most of us are looking towards each other for the final
answer. We aren't as simple as night or day, white or multigrain,
our needs are complex and often ever changing, especially at your
age. She seemingly may have had everything you needed in a girl but
somewhere inside things weren't being fulfilled. As you pin pointed,
this may have a lot more with you then it has to do with her.
Perfect or flawed maybe you just need more space or variety in your
life.
As you have suggested that your somewhat new to being intimate maybe
you
became worried that things were going "too good" with your first
one. Although the first is always going to be very special, the
women at the start of your "dating career" can sometimes carry
unforeseen worry due to their possible unchallenged one and onlyness.
As to say the worry of things going well (I.e. the both of you
getting married or being together for a long time) has a way of
added a trapped effect to your life.
Depending on who you are this kind of thing carries a different
value. Some are fine waiting till marriage for the one, other just
need a few, and some can't ever settle down. You can love a girl
whole heartedly but if you still have doubts that you need to be out
on the scene unnecessary pressure can sometimes erupt.
I think you took the best course of action by putting some space
between you
and your ex. I've tried many methods myself when dealing with
break-ups and
although some people criticize this method of healing I think it's
really the only sure fire way to go. It's going to be a painful road
but if you are indeed not into having a relationship with this girl
I'd cut down communication by a solid 95%. It's ok to say hi if you
run into them on the street, or talk on the phone a month from now,
but trying to be best friends right after the breakup will make
emotions cluttered and confused.
Work on meeting new people, building up your confidence and trying
to figure
out what your looking for in your romantic lifetime. You are one of
millions that thinks they're addicted to love, it's nothing new,
embrace it and master it instead of letting it overtake you. Enjoy
people's company, fall into love many times, and seek out some
variety, you might be amazed as to what you can find. The new year
is a great time of year to do some careful self analysis and
set some goals for mental progress.
I wish you the best of luck in the new year :)
-Nate Lovestruck
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