I Couldn't commit, Now i miss her... |
I split up with my girlfriend of six years back in
May. I was very fond of her and we had so much in common but over the
years I always had doubts about whether she was the one, whether I fully
trusted her, whether I fancied her enough, and indeed whether I loved
her. Basically I could not commit to her so over those years we never
moved in together. It came to a head this year when I was buying a flat
which we were both to live in, but because I still had these doubts and
worries, I finished the relationship, without I feel now really giving
it a go.
My girl friend moved 300 miles away nearer to her parents, in fact I
moved her down there. Within a week she met someone else and within two
she was living with him. This all happened so quickly that by the time I
had started to miss her, it was too late. I realize now how much she
means to me and that I
do love her. I think about her from the moment I wake until the moment
i go to bed and I am constantly beating myself up about how stupid I was
to push
her away. I feel the reasons I finished with her were shallow and stupid
and I can see now how much the good far out weighed the bad.
We are still in contact and I have asked her many times to come back and
give us another chance. Until recently she said she did not know what to
do but when I pushed her on the subject last week she decided to stay
with what
she has now, though she still wants to keep in touch, and admits she may
be
making a big mistake. Everyone tells me I need to let her go, but I
cannot accept that she has gone and I do not think I will ever get over
the fact that I caused the whole situation.
This has been going on for 2.5 months now in which time I have been very
depressed, anxious and desperate. Its hard to concentrate on anything
else
including work and my sleeping has been bad. I do not know what to do,
if in fact there is anything I can do. I cannot see a future without
her. I cannot keep begging her to come back ( I am still waiting for
flat purchase to complete before I even have anywhere to live to offer
her) as I do not want to drive her further away. I know I need to give
her some space, but is there any hope?
William |
| Answer: |
Dear William
Sounds like you have a good case of the regrets, and now it may be
too late. It's going to take a while to adjust to the single life
again,
after all you have been in a relationship for over six years, the
freedom
can be overwhelming. Life on the other side of the spectrum is a lot
different.
It's going to be a long road to mental recovery, and the solution is
rarely
found overnight. You were in a relationship with this women for over
six
years, and it didn't progress past a certain point, perhaps there
was a
reason. We all get caught up in love, the very emotion as potent as
life
itself has a way of blinding us from the truth. As much as life
seems like
it has lost all meaning I believe you may be in lust of the security
more
then the person.
A long term girlfriend represents stability, comfort and support.
You've had
doubts about the relationship for a long time and you acted upon
them for a
reason, if your doubts had no warrant you wouldn't have gone through
with
the breakup. Most men find it hard to go through with it, either
having
regrets and breaking it off, or even worse self sabotaging the
relationship
until she breaks it off with you. The sudden freedom as invigorating
and
exciting as it is can be quite terrifying. Rationality is often a
forgotten
trait of the heartbroken and sometimes makes it hard to see the
situation
clearly. The relationship was far from perfect, and you can indeed
survive
without this person.
It's common to go through anguish while in the transition stage, but
believe
me things will get better. For now, work on bettering yourself.
After all
the more confidence you build the better you'll be. Love is 25% your
mate
and 75% you. You must learn to love yourself before you can fully
embrace
anyone else. Work on overcoming your personal fears and worries
about
relationships before trying to jump back into one.
Remember, women smell desperation like a shark smells blood. As much
as it may seem romantic to pine after a woman you've lost,
eventually it drives them away. She's with someone else now and you
have to accept that and move on. My best advice would be to not see
her while you're healing, easier to get over her that way. Pack up
all pictures and everything else that reminds you of her. Put them
away in a safe place and don't bring them out again until you feel
you are completely over her. Get out - but avoid going to places
that remind you of her. Try to spend time with friends, go have some
fun and over time you will get over her - I can almost guarantee it.
I wish you best of luck and I hope things looks better
-Nate Lovestruck
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