He says I'm dependant, Fickle love... |
I've been with my partner for over four years, half of
this time we have been engaged. We talked often of getting married and
being together forever. However, since I changed my mind briefly
about getting married at the end of this year, he has been different.
Now he says he isn't even sure if he loves me as much as he used to. I
had wavering thoughts of getting married because it would require a move
several hours away from my home, my mother and my job. He says I am
dependent, and that I cannot do things on my own, such as going to the
store or driving myself somewhere. He says I do not want to be around
people, which isn't true. I want friends, but I find it hard to make
them as I am shy. He says I have not let him have friends over the past
four years. I admit I have been insecure in our relationship because it
was my first one, and I didn't want it to end, so I wanted him around
all the time. I was afraid of him
leaving, and it has made him not love me as much anymore, as he says.
I've thought about it and I am willing to be more social for him and
make the move, but now he doesn't. He says he will stay with me to see
where it goes for now. I want to prove myself to him, that I can be more
social and independent and
wanting him to have friends. What do I do?
Laura |
| Answer: |
Dear Laura
Being in love is a difficult journey, full of unforeseen obstacles
and tough
forks in the road. A healthy relationship takes a certain amount of
adaptation as well as understanding. It's not unusual for you to
have doubts
about getting married, after all this is your first relationship
there's a
lot to take into consideration.
He may have been a bit hurt when you shared your doubts with him and
as a
defense mechanism turned down the volume a bit so as not to get hurt
further. Most relationships hit these road blocks at it's mature
phase, the
fresh love is over and the intensity levels out. As much as your
tempted to
spend every waking moment with him, a healthy relationship requires
both
partners to be independent in what they do. Like any addiction, an
over
addiction to your partner will lead to trouble.
As much as you may have been smothering him, I wouldn't say you were
100% inthe wrong. Someone can't be controlled unless they allow
themselves to be controlled and if he hasn't seen his friends for
four years that was partly
his decision. True love should be unconditional and no matter how
badly he
feels you've "controlled him" someone can't be controlled unless
they allow
themselves to be. Someone who is fickle with their love can be quite
dangerous, especially when it comes to marriage. For the
relationship to be
successful you're both going to have to be more honest with each
other.
This is the time for you to shine, sink or swim and make an effort
for this
relationship to work. Like most new things, teaching yourself to be
more
independent and outgoing is going to be difficult. I'd recommend
starting
off slowly, doing small tasks that you'd normally avoid. Consider
occasionally doing things alone, getting the groceries, driving to
work etc.
Try saying hello to a stranger once in a while, waiting at a bus
stop,
walking down the street, everyone likes a smile or a hello. You'll
find that
over time, that little voice that tells you to be shy and quiet will
disappear and it will be easier to meet new people. Build your
confidence up
and prove to him that you don't need him to always be there, just
that you
prefer it when he is.
Talk things out and voice both of your concerns, listen to each
others fears
respectfully and work on possible solutions. I know you're feeling a
little
desperate now that he's voiced his doubts but this is no time to
swallow
your pride and marry him out of fear. If you don't work these
problems out
now, they will only show up later in the marriage. Compromising is
good, but
full on submission never works out, unneeded resentment may follow.
There's no need to rush into marriage, there's plenty of time for
that. Work
on opening up the channels of communication and fix a few of the
relationships kinks. If I've said it once, I'll say it again,
successful
relationships require open, respectful communication.
I hope things work out and feel free to keep me updated, I'd love to
hear
how it works out.
Best of luck and I hope this helps....
-Nate Lovestruck
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