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He says I'm dependant, Fickle love...

I've been with my partner for over four years, half of this time we have been engaged. We talked often of getting married and being together forever.  However, since I changed my mind briefly about getting married at the end of this year, he has been different. Now he says he isn't even sure if he loves me as much as he used to. I had wavering thoughts of getting married because it would require a move several hours away from my home, my mother and my job. He says I am dependent, and that I cannot do things on my own, such as going to the store or driving myself somewhere. He says I do not want to be around people, which isn't true. I want friends, but I find it hard to make them as I am shy. He says I have not let him have friends over the past four years. I admit I have been insecure in our relationship because it was my first one, and I didn't want it to end, so I wanted him around all the time. I was afraid of him leaving, and it has made him not love me as much anymore, as he says. I've thought about it and I am willing to be more social for him and make the move, but now he doesn't. He says he will stay with me to see where it goes for now. I want to prove myself to him, that I can be more social and independent and wanting him to have friends. What do I do?

Laura

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Dear Laura

Being in love is a difficult journey, full of unforeseen obstacles and tough forks in the road. A healthy relationship takes a certain amount of adaptation as well as understanding. It's not unusual for you to have doubts about getting married, after all this is your first relationship there's a lot to take into consideration.

He may have been a bit hurt when you shared your doubts with him and as a defense mechanism turned down the volume a bit so as not to get hurt further. Most relationships hit these road blocks at it's mature phase, the fresh love is over and the intensity levels out. As much as your tempted to spend every waking moment with him, a healthy relationship requires both partners to be independent in what they do. Like any addiction, an over addiction to your partner will lead to trouble.

As much as you may have been smothering him, I wouldn't say you were 100% inthe wrong. Someone can't be controlled unless they allow themselves to be controlled and if he hasn't seen his friends for four years that was partly his decision. True love should be unconditional and no matter how badly he feels you've "controlled him" someone can't be controlled unless they allow themselves to be. Someone who is fickle with their love can be quite dangerous, especially when it comes to marriage. For the relationship to be successful you're both going to have to be more honest with each other.

This is the time for you to shine, sink or swim and make an effort for this relationship to work. Like most new things, teaching yourself to be more independent and outgoing is going to be difficult. I'd recommend starting off slowly, doing small tasks that you'd normally avoid. Consider occasionally doing things alone, getting the groceries, driving to work etc. Try saying hello to a stranger once in a while, waiting at a bus stop, walking down the street, everyone likes a smile or a hello. You'll find that over time, that little voice that tells you to be shy and quiet will disappear and it will be easier to meet new people. Build your confidence up and prove to him that you don't need him to always be there, just that you prefer it when he is.

Talk things out and voice both of your concerns, listen to each others fears respectfully and work on possible solutions. I know you're feeling a little desperate now that he's voiced his doubts but this is no time to swallow your pride and marry him out of fear. If you don't work these problems out now, they will only show up later in the marriage. Compromising is good, but full on submission never works out, unneeded resentment may follow.

There's no need to rush into marriage, there's plenty of time for that. Work on opening up the channels of communication and fix a few of the relationships kinks. If I've said it once, I'll say it again, successful relationships require open, respectful communication.

I hope things work out and feel free to keep me updated, I'd love to hear how it works out.

-Nate Lovestruck

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