Midlife Crisis - Mixed Signals from my Ex |
My husband and I separated last Sept after he had an
affair with a work colleague. He left and got himself a flat, 3 months
down line he moved 350 miles away due to job. He has all the signs of
depression due to midlife crisis. Recently he told me he was still in
love with me and that although he still calls her once in a while he
doesn't love her and would like to get back together. The weird thing is
I spoke to him last night and he said he doesn't remember saying any of
this. I feel so hurt and confused and don't now what to do for the best,
he was the perfect husband and dad but I feel I don't know him anymore
with the lies. Please Help!
Fiona |
| Answer: |
Dear Fiona
The midlife crisis strikes again, another relationship throw into
chaos due to this fear of undone tasks. A mental earthquake
hits, a total re-evaluation of ones life, and a panicked change in
hopes of "fixing it" is made. Midlife crisis's generally occurring
anywhere between the 30's and 70's have been reported to strike
roughly 1/4th of the United States population. At this point it is
quite common for the person to be mentally anxious and to completely
reorganize their lives, sometimes this means divorce or separation
from loved ones.
In regards to your husband, I think all of this is exactly as you
thought, a depression and confusion brought on by a midlife crisis.
One in which there is no definitive solution and things won't get
better until he sorts it out for himself. He's going through a lot of
different stresses right now and is probably quite confused as to
what he really wants out of life. He may seem to be a bit of a
walking contradiction for a while as he battles himself for what is
the next correct move. Whatever the case it's going to be difficult
to read him while he's going through this.
He may have called you in an intoxicated state when he confessed his
undying wish to get back together, having later woken from his
drunken stupor and realizing it wasn't what he wanted. Either that
or he is just playing dumb when he says he doesn't remember and once
again has changed his mind from before.
As much as you want to support him while he goes through this, I
can't imagine it's going to be easy. Who knows what
triggered the crisis initially but it's never a positive what will
end it. Although good men are hard to come by, they aren't
impossible to find. Don't limit yourself by thinking you'll never
find someone like him again, they do exist. Keep in mind that that
although the "midlife crisis" seems like a good excuse for acting
irrational, it was still his conscious decision to do what he did.
Having a mid life "depression" doesn't fully make him innocent for
his crimes, and that be taken into consideration when thinking about
reconciling.
Take some time to organize your thoughts and care of your own
mental side for a while. If he continues to send you these hurtful mixed
signals tell him to either figure it out or leave you alone. If you aren't ready to fully give up on the
relationship you don't necessarily have to think about dating again,
but I would suggest cutting him out of your life until
he's got some things worked out. Over the next few months/years he's
going to come to many conclusions some that he'll find satisfactory
others only momentary thoughts. Don't read too heavily into what he
says. Make sure to pay attention to your own needs before you bother
with his.
I hope things begin to look better...
-Nate Lovestruck
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