Midlife crisis - mixed signals from my ex

Dear Fiona

The midlife crisis strikes again, another relationship throw into chaos due to this fear of  undone tasks. A mental earthquake hits, a total re-evaluation of ones life, and a panicked change in hopes of "fixing it" is made. Midlife crisis's generally occurring anywhere between the 30's and 70's have been reported to strike roughly 1/4th of the United States population. At this point it is quite common for the person to be mentally anxious and to completely reorganize their lives, sometimes this means divorce or separation from loved ones.

In regards to your husband, I think all of this is exactly as you thought, a depression and confusion brought on by a midlife crisis. One in which there is no definitive solution and things won't get better until he sorts it out for himself. He's going through a lot of different stresses right now and is probably quite confused as to what he really wants out of life. He may seem to be a bit of a walking contradiction for a while as he battles himself for what is the next correct move. Whatever the case it's going to be difficult to read him while he's going through this.

He may have called you in an intoxicated state when he confessed his undying wish to get back together, having later woken from his drunken stupor and realizing it wasn't what he wanted. Either that or he is just playing dumb when he says he doesn't remember and once again has changed his mind from before.

As much as you want to support him while he goes through this, I can't imagine it's going to be easy.  Who knows what triggered the crisis initially but it's never a positive what will end it. Although good men are hard to come by, they aren't impossible to find. Don't limit yourself by thinking you'll never find someone like him again, they do exist. Keep in mind that that although the "midlife crisis" seems like a good excuse for acting irrational, it was still his conscious decision to do what he did. Having a mid life "depression" doesn't fully make him innocent for his crimes, and that be taken into consideration when thinking about reconciling.

Take some time to organize your thoughts and care of your own mental side for a while. If he continues to send you these hurtful mixed signals tell him to either figure it out or leave you alone. If you aren't ready to fully give up on the relationship you don't necessarily have to think about dating again, but I would suggest cutting him out of your life until he's got some things worked out. Over the next few months/years he's going to come to many conclusions some that he'll find satisfactory others only momentary thoughts. Don't read too heavily into what he says. Make sure to pay attention to your own needs before you bother with his.

I hope things looks better soon

-Nate Lovestruck

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