Dating and Relationship Questions and Answers
Question

Website Jealousy, We broke Up.

Me and my girl friend recently broke up. We have been through a lot, having both been hurt in the past, we found each other. We have never been so happy, until one day. I made a mistake on a website called Hot or Not after my girlfriend tried to catch me out. Now she thinks I want to see other girls, and feels like she can't trust me anymore. We get on so well and I think we are meant to be. I love this girl with my whole heart and she knows this, but can't see through this. I don't want anyone else, I believe she is the only one for me. I have offered to take a lie detector test to show her I'm telling the truth. What more can I do? She has gone away for a few days to sort her thoughts, but says I have betrayed her and she feels she can't trust me. I feel so bad that I have made her this upset and I really want to prove to her that I love her so deeply and nobody else could ever come close. Please help me...

Delo

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Answer

Dear Delo

Alas a problem I see often occur in long heated relationships, Jealousy. You love each other deeply and yet the definition of "cheating" and dishonesty has been miscommunicated between the both of you. In each relationship, both partners have their own interpretation for what is right and what is wrong. Some people cannot deal with you so much as looking towards another person while others could care less. There is no doubt in my mind that you do indeed love this girl and the act of being on a website like "Hot or Not" shouldn't change her perception of you. Oddly in my past I have encountered this exact situation, different website, but the same thing.

Not to generalize but I find many women out there do not often share the same opinion as man on a topic such as this. Believe me when I say, you are in a passionate stage of love right now. You feel as if you'd do anything to salvage this relationship but on the same note if you allow yourself to be fully humbled, when things are at a lower level it will happen again. It is human nature to look at other people, either online or in a walk in the park. This doesn't always mean we're interested in the people we look at, nor does it mean we're bored with our partners, it just means we look. It's Human.

Communication is going to be your strongest ally here. Don't plead, keep calm and work on a game plan. Explain the reasons why you did what you did, also let her know you were unaware that something like this would hurt her. I'm sure at no point was this your intention, would she be upset for you reading a Maxim? You have to look at this from a logical state of mind, not from the fearful. Relationships are a two way street. You haven't cheated on her, you treat her well and with respect, is she willing to toss away a great future with you over something as simple as a 1-10 rating system? If it's not this thing it will be the next. You have to work with her on her jealousy issues for the sheer fact that you don't want this happening every time you accidentally glance towards another girl or she stumbles upon a old magazine. Don't be so hard on yourself. As much as you feel bad for hurting her, she's being a little insensitive threatening to delete a relationship over something like this, especially when it wasn't defined earlier in the relationship.

Best of luck!

-Nate Lovestruck

Question

Follow Up

There are a couple of things I want to mention so you can understand fully where I'm coming from. This Hot or Not thing started with my mates about a year & half ago, before I was even with my girlfriend. Its was nothing more than a laugh between us at the time. Basically we put profiles on there to see who would get the highest rating. We all got double matches from women, but none of us followed them up.

Didn't feel the need to meet women on the net as we can do this in a pub. My girlfriend made up a profile of someone random and in turn sent me an email asking if I wanted to meet her. She lives in ----------, and I live in ----------. At the time I sat with my dad in his house and told him I thought there was a chance it was my girlfriend. Like an fool, I replied to the email to play her at her own game leaving my phone number thinking she would get one of her friends to phone me. I expected to get a call from a girl with a northern accent, and bingo, I caught her at her own game. It didn't quite work how I thought because there was no call. She thought she had found me out and finished it.

Now because of a silly game, our relationship has ended. We were planning to buy a house and set up a nice home together. She is honestly the only girl I love and ever want to be with. I've never experienced the kind connection we have and I will do whatever I can do to save it. Especially to not have it end over something I know is so innocent. I just don't know what to do. I know she is really upset and devastated by all of this and I will do anything to show her I'm not dishonest. Hence the lie detector test. This is the full honest story and I hope to hear from you soon.

Answer

Dear Delo

Looks like you've gotten yourself into quite the situation. It was a gutsy game you tried to play with sending your phone number to another girl, even if you thought it was your girl friend in disguise. Although you suspected it to be her you weren't positive and it probably wasn't the best move.

Her trust in you is sitting on thin ice and it's going to be a tough journey to make it solid again. Like I said before, the only advice I can give you is to communicate your feelings. Drop the lie detector line as it A) already proven not to work B) lie detectors aren't 100% accurate anyway and C) It just sounds unnecessary. You alone have to earn her trust in you, using "toys" won't do the trick.

People are on constant look out for validation, reassurance that everything is ok. When she played this game with you ( as much as I don't quite agree with her methods, tis a bit sneaky ) she was indeed seeking confirmation. Confirmation of your love for each other. In a silly way hoping that you'd e-mail this fake girl and say "SORRY I'm desperately in love with my girlfriend and I have no time for you". While this was not a fair thing to do to you, she still didn't get this response she wanted. She instead got what she was already fearful of, that you may be interested in other people (as much as you aren't).

Talk to her, explain yourself, and don't make excuses. Apologize and explain how you honestly believed it was her and it was just a game. Don't be scared to really open up to her, unleash the fury of your passion, let her know that you love her more then anything else. That this is no lie, that this real, that you would travel the 7 seas just to see a glimpse of her smile. Try to really woo her. If she isn't willing to give you the time of day, write her a letter, not typed, hand written, long and emotional. Us men like to act macho but this isn't the time to get caught up in pride, let her see the inner you.

Really in the end this is all I can suggest, if it was truly meant to be it was meant to be, if it wasn't it wasn't. Love is a strange thing in that respect, you think you've reached the top but you never know what is bigger behind it. Your relationship has hit one of its quintessential plateaus and things are looking grim, speak your case, be honest, and hope that there is another level through the mist. Most of all keep your cool, be careful you don't get frustrated and say something you'll regret...

I hope this helps. Best of luck . Let me know how things work out....

-Nate Lovestruck